Still Clickin

Downsizing has cut our available space nearly in half. It brings with it the profound benefit of simplifying the demands of everyday living, but it also forces you to discard some accumulated mementos. We had saved a number of cards from friends and relatives over the years, and it became obvious that it was now time to discard them. Looking at them one last time brought back many memories, however, and gave me the opportunity to remember and cherish a special kind a person, the Christmas Card Friend.

Over the years, everyone gains Christmas (or Holiday) Card Friends. We first meet them while on vacation, or on a business assignment, or in the neighborhood before they move away. Something about their personality clicks with our own, and we develop a strong tie. When the holiday season rolls around, we feel compelled to include them on our annual list. They reciprocate, and the tradition begins.

Then life intervenes. Things change. People move. And usually, we stop sending and receiving the cards after a polite two or three years. . . except for the select few, the Christmas Card Friends.

It’s puzzling, but we feel a distinct need not to cut the cord with those special people. We just can’t let go. We responded to their sense of humor, their insights, their style, and their charm. We realize that their friendship is still important to us, and its loss would diminish us. We want to know that they are well.

Some send newsletters. Others, just short notes. But the connection, however brief, is made. We honor that connection over the years by actually calling and sharing a dinner when we are passing through their neighborhood, sending clippings from the local paper about items we know they would like to see, or emailing photos of the new grandchild, just to brag.

Today’s generation has their Facebook and MySpace postings, but I’m rather partial to Christmas Card Friends. It’s a bigger, more personal commitment than the click of a mouse. And when you’re downsizing, you can relive each season all over again.

Thank you, my Christmas Card Friends. Thanks for your faithfulness over the years. I cherished all your comments, and am waiting to hear about the latest updates next December.

NB. Click below to make a comment. If you would prefer to make an enhancement to the original article, please go to wikiSenior and click on edit.

Last weekend we attended a family wedding. This wedding celebrated a member of the extended family, the son of my wife’s cousin. Because they are extended family members, we do not see them as often as we would like. But we have known them forever and truly enjoy their company whenever we do have the chance to get together.

I heard myself saying, “The last time I saw you, you were only 4 years-old.” As I said those words and saw the completely bored expression of the newly cosmopolitan teenager, I remembered the pain of hearing such lame comments when I was their age. It was now my time to utter that sentence as the younger people viewed, with some misgivings, remote members of their own family tree. We all know that they will start to cherish that tree a decade from now, but today they have other priorities.

The parents of the young children, more secure in their identities and genuinely interested in sharing family stories and memories, are a delight to spend time with and swap tales. They stand as a tribute to the love and parenting skills of the past generation, and it is a treat to observe the radiant glow of their well-earned pride and committed love that emanates from the moist eyes of these older family members.

Through the interactions, you recognize that this is what “family” means. Across the generations, the gift of love is freely shared. Any odd character traits are understood and accepted. (“Oh, that’s just Uncle Jim!”) We are free to be ourselves, to be open, to be loved.

This is the time to seize the moment and share that sweetest of gifts, forgiveness, with other family members who need it. This opportunity is especially important for the older members whose time to forgive is diminishing.

The family is the crucible where we first observe selfless love. Over the years, the family is where we are touched by love and learn to express it ourselves. It is where are hearts are formed.

Click below to make a comment. Or, if you would prefer to make an enhancement to the original article, please go to wikiSenior and click on edit.

One of the delights of being a grandparent is the chance to participate in the joy of new milestones. This is a refreshing antidote to that wet blanket of boredom that can engulf older folks with the feeling of “deja vu all over again.”

The longer we assemble an experience base, the more life seems to echo with the sound of “same old, same old.” Today’s latest happening or style seems too similar, or is an exact copy, of those from yesterday which we remember all too well. Sometimes we can appreciate the skillful execution of a revival, but the plot holds nothing new. Grandchildren lift us out of that stagnation.

Two days ago, I attended my grandson’s preschool graduation event. The room was ringed with chairs filled with parents and grandparents. The four year-olds trotted in with infectious enthusiasm, each wearing a mortar board topper filled with bright lettered quips. Each was called up by their gracious teacher who gave them each special praise. They received a necklace with their name, a special ring, and a colorful certificate with lots of sparkles that proclaimed their successful completion of their last year in preschool.

The smiles around the room were contagious. The mirth and joy were genuine. The delight was real. The cupcakes and strawberries served afterwards were enthusiastically enjoyed by all.

Life goes in cycles. Before preschool, the last graduation I attended was for my daughter’s doctorate. That day was very special, but it wasn’t my first university commencement. This day, in contrast, was very different. Preschool graduations are something brand new for me. I hope I get a chance to attend many more.

Click below to make a comment. If you would prefer to make an enhancement to the original article, please go to wikiSenior and click on edit.

Recently, the daughter-in-law of a Still Clickin reader wrote to ask how to best help her mother-in-law through a difficult financial situation. She raised four issues which occur fairly often in communications across the generation divide - (1) the financial issues, (2) the senior’s fear of change, (3) family relationships, and (4) the tension imposed by the constraints of time, distance, and caring.

Some of the details involved follow.

1. Financial: Because the mother-in-law owned some real estate, one possibility to help with her cash flow was the choice of a reverse mortgage. That option would provide both some funds and a familiar setting. However, if those funds were not sufficient, the sale of that property together with qualification for Section 8 rental alternatives might provide her with a different possibility of adequate housing at an affordable level.
2. Fear of Change: Since her mother-in-law had recently experienced the loss of her own husband and another son, any change of her living conditions would make her feel extremely vulnerable - exposed to loneliness, lack of security, and loss of independence. Asking her to move from her current surroundings would be bound to threaten her further.
3. Family Relationships: It seemed that the daughter-in-law and her husband were the only family members that were actively engaged in resolving the issue. In such a situation, they had to recognize that ANY mother-son relationship comes with a history of emotions that can cloud any person’s ability to listen. It did not mean that anyone had done something wrong, but it did mean that there was a communication hurdle that had to be overcome.

One plan of action that could be suggested to help this situation is -
1. Create a simple summary of the financial situation highlighting the monthly shortage of funds.
2. Develop a set of options for the mother-in-law to consider. For example,

• Stay at her current location, change nothing and risk foreclosure in xx months.
• Move back to her own house with a reverse mortgage and risk ??
• Move into section 8 location #1 and live independently on $$ per month.
• Move into section 8 location #2 and live independently on $$ per month.

3. Identify a non-family member whom she trusts. It could be someone she has met at the hospital, a local church, or a friendly neighbor and ask them to present these options to her.
4. Allow her to make the choice. If she trusts this other person and the options are clearly presented, she should be able to make a good choice. By letting it be her choice, rather than her son’s decision, she retains her dignity and sense of independence.

Regarding the last issue of tension, I wish I could say handling such issues is ever easy. It is not, because in a family members care for each other too deeply. Sometimes that love really does hurt. But once you pass through the period and have proved your love, the truth and fidelity of that effort bring great peace.

NB. Click below to make a comment.  If you would prefer to make an enhancement to the original article, please go to wikiSenior and click on edit.

“Peace on Earth” and “Joy to the World” usually elicit sentiments of good cheer, family, and friends. For those that are alone, isolated, and weary, however, the opposite can be true. The cheer promoted by others can underline the degree of isolation and grate upon a weary spirit. The ‘same old, same old’ answers of our faith can become to feel tired and unreal.

Somewhere between the late 20’s and early 40’s, many people go through a period of time where they question the faith that was passed on to them by their families. They question at that age because they feel invincible and immortal. A little more living and a crisis or two usually brings them back to a deeper, more sanguine faith. You’d think that would be enough.

But the weariness of age can occasion a reprieve of this questioning. With age, our perspectives seem to simplify. Specific, little rules, whether issued by governments or religions, take on less and less importance than the spirit and basis from which they empowered. Such basics can be reevaluated by seniors under the harsh light of a lifetime of experience. Faith, as one of those basics, is not immune. If it wavers, a powerful counterpoint to the Holiday Blues, as well as the vicissitudes of everyday life, is lost.

For those in this state, the most powerful antidote to the Holiday Blues is one, true friend. Unfortunately, that friend may exist, but not know, that they are needed. (Don’t we all love to wallow?) In that situation, it is the blunt responsibility of the wallowing senior to alert that friend. Otherwise, that senior is disavowing the friendship.

On the other hand, if that senior can identify no friend and feels friendless and isolated, it can become a real challenge to face the day each morning. Just when you feel the weakest, you need to act the strongest. Once again, attitude is everything.

In this situation, a senior has to accept the responsibility to change the situation. They first need to announce their Holiday Blues by reaching out to their caregivers, their careless family members, their merchants, and their neighbors. That reach should not include bitterness or wallowing because it dilutes the message. If that reach is genuine, the warmth of the human spirit will respond.

One way to enhance that reach is for the senior to serve it accompanied by the delicious drink of forgiveness, especially to caring, but hurt, family members. Forgiveness is one of the most freeing experiences for the giver and a treasured prize for the receiver. That gift could transform a Blues Holiday into one of the most treasured of your life.

For anyone reading this who is not a senior, this is a good time to reach out to old Aunt Ellie and Uncle Joe who nobody talks about anymore. It will help build your faith and cheer as well as theirs.

N. B. Click below to make a comment. If you would prefer to make an enhancement to the original article, please go to wikiSenior.com and click on edit.

Challenging the “Look-Through”

Adapting to life as a senior citizen seems to require more than a few adjustments. Some of them are physical, e.g. hearing aids. Others might require a shift in our mental attitudes. I’ve begun to detect a certain attitude in casual situations, e.g. mid-day at the mall, where I’ve noticed a subtle shift in how I’m approached by others. I’ve begun to refer to it as the “look-through”.

At times, we have all guilty of some prejudice, a.k.a. pre-judging. I now believe that it seems to come in two flavors, look-away and look-through.

• Look-away prejudice is the most common type. Typically, it is sparked by a rejection of diversity in racial traits or physical disabilities. Whether based in fear or indifference, it projects the “I don’t want to get involved” attitude. Looking away means you don’t have to deal with this person, issue, or situation.

• Look-through prejudice is a relatively new experience. It has always been around and, on any given day, we unconsciously may be subject to it or may be doing it ourselves. With this prejudice, the person is simply ignored or dismissed. They are either too young or too old to deserve serious consideration and can simply be dismissed with a polite smile. There is no need for a look-away.
  

Because it is so subtle, most people would deny having any prejudice against senior citizens. Unfortunately, it seems to be all too real. As such, I feel it is the responsibility of the senior to recognize and deflect.

1. I firmly believe that humor is the very best foil against any form of prejudice. I try to be engaged and challenging in a polite, but slightly aggressive, manner.
2. Turning the tables by making a witty observation coupled with an offer of help can often switch an attitude and engage a dismissive person.

Am I being paranoid? Am I the only one that has observed this? Love to know what you think.

N. B. Click below to make a comment. If you would prefer to make an enhancement to the original article, please go to wikiSenior.com and click on edit.