Recently, the daughter-in-law of a Still Clickin reader wrote to ask how to best help her mother-in-law through a difficult financial situation. She raised four issues which occur fairly often in communications across the generation divide - (1) the financial issues, (2) the senior’s fear of change, (3) family relationships, and (4) the tension imposed by the constraints of time, distance, and caring.
Some of the details involved follow.
- Financial: Because the mother-in-law owned some real estate, one possibility to help with her cash flow was the choice of a reverse mortgage. That option would provide both some funds and a familiar setting. However, if those funds were not sufficient, the sale of that property together with qualification for Section 8 rental alternatives might provide her with a different possibility of adequate housing at an affordable level.
- Fear of Change: Since her mother-in-law had recently experienced the loss of her own husband and another son, any change of her living conditions would make her feel extremely vulnerable - exposed to loneliness, lack of security, and loss of independence. Asking her to move from her current surroundings would be bound to threaten her further.
- Family Relationships: It seemed that the daughter-in-law and her husband were the only family members that were actively engaged in resolving the issue. In such a situation, they had to recognize that ANY mother-son relationship comes with a history of emotions that can cloud any person’s ability to listen. It did not mean that anyone had done something wrong, but it did mean that there was a communication hurdle that had to be overcome.
One plan of action that could be suggested to help this situation is -
1. Create a simple summary of the financial situation highlighting the monthly shortage of funds.
2. Develop a set of options for the mother-in-law to consider. For example,
- Stay at her current location, change nothing and risk foreclosure in xx months.
- Move back to her own house with a reverse mortgage and risk ??
- Move into section 8 location #1 and live independently on $$ per month.
- Move into section 8 location #2 and live independently on $$ per month.
3. Identify a non-family member whom she trusts. It could be someone she has met at the hospital, a local church, or a friendly neighbor and ask them to present these options to her.
4. Allow her to make the choice. If she trusts this other person and the options are clearly presented, she should be able to make a good choice. By letting it be her choice, rather than her son’s decision, she retains her dignity and sense of independence.
Regarding the last issue of tension, I wish I could say handling such issues is ever easy. It is not, because in a family members care for each other too deeply. Sometimes that love really does hurt. But once you pass through the period and have proved your love, the truth and fidelity of that effort bring great peace.
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