Still Clickin

Recently, the daughter-in-law of a Still Clickin reader wrote to ask how to best help her mother-in-law through a difficult financial situation. She raised four issues which occur fairly often in communications across the generation divide - (1) the financial issues, (2) the senior’s fear of change, (3) family relationships, and (4) the tension imposed by the constraints of time, distance, and caring.

Some of the details involved follow.

1. Financial: Because the mother-in-law owned some real estate, one possibility to help with her cash flow was the choice of a reverse mortgage. That option would provide both some funds and a familiar setting. However, if those funds were not sufficient, the sale of that property together with qualification for Section 8 rental alternatives might provide her with a different possibility of adequate housing at an affordable level.
2. Fear of Change: Since her mother-in-law had recently experienced the loss of her own husband and another son, any change of her living conditions would make her feel extremely vulnerable - exposed to loneliness, lack of security, and loss of independence. Asking her to move from her current surroundings would be bound to threaten her further.
3. Family Relationships: It seemed that the daughter-in-law and her husband were the only family members that were actively engaged in resolving the issue. In such a situation, they had to recognize that ANY mother-son relationship comes with a history of emotions that can cloud any person’s ability to listen. It did not mean that anyone had done something wrong, but it did mean that there was a communication hurdle that had to be overcome.

One plan of action that could be suggested to help this situation is -
1. Create a simple summary of the financial situation highlighting the monthly shortage of funds.
2. Develop a set of options for the mother-in-law to consider. For example,

• Stay at her current location, change nothing and risk foreclosure in xx months.
• Move back to her own house with a reverse mortgage and risk ??
• Move into section 8 location #1 and live independently on $$ per month.
• Move into section 8 location #2 and live independently on $$ per month.

3. Identify a non-family member whom she trusts. It could be someone she has met at the hospital, a local church, or a friendly neighbor and ask them to present these options to her.
4. Allow her to make the choice. If she trusts this other person and the options are clearly presented, she should be able to make a good choice. By letting it be her choice, rather than her son’s decision, she retains her dignity and sense of independence.

Regarding the last issue of tension, I wish I could say handling such issues is ever easy. It is not, because in a family members care for each other too deeply. Sometimes that love really does hurt. But once you pass through the period and have proved your love, the truth and fidelity of that effort bring great peace.

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With the buying power of the US dollar trending lower and interest rates receding, you might be tempted to hang up your touring spurs. But another approach to try is discovering the wonders that exist around the corner. I’m certain I wasn’t the only one who didn’t visit the Empire State Building until age 30, despite the fact that I had lived within an hour of it during all of those thirty years. But, because “it was always there”, any visit was repeatedly postponed. Perhaps now is the opportune time to fight the “always there” syndrome and visit those treasures that you never had time for.

Some ideas are -
1. Part of the fun of traveling is the planning. You should treat these local trips the very same way. With through preparation, you can deepen your appreciation and make certain you don’t miss out on the best places.
2. Develop a theme -

• One special project might be to visit every corner of the state in which you live. Another theme might be to follow an old, historical trail.
• Act like an out-of-towner, and take a bus tour of your local city.
• Universities might be hosting special exhibits or events during your trip. Take advantage of their attractions.

3. Once the plan evolves, schedule, make reservations, and go.

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To get a senior discount, the most important thing you can do is to ask the question. Store or service clerks may not offer the information because they might fear the risk of offending someone. If you ask, however, you might be surprised at what you find.

Senior discounts are never required, but they can make good business sense for many merchants. Seniors can be the most reliable customers, they may shop during slack periods, and their wealth of experience can make them easier to service. In short, it can be a win-win opportunity for any merchant or service provider.

Make certain you carry some sort of verification with you in case you are challenged. (Don’t you just love to be carded?) Also, be aware that the age threshold may vary, e.g. 50, 55, 60, 62, or 65, by location. Each organization can set its own rules. For example, Kroger offers seniors a 5% discount on Wednesdays in some locations.

What seems to be the best approach?

1. Don’t be embarrassed to ask the question everywhere, e.g. hair stylist, barber, cleaners, theaters, travel services, grocers, tire shops, etc. Even if they don’t currently have a discount, they may decide to offer it to you just because you asked.
2. Sometimes it is called an AARP discount rather than Senior. Don’t let semantics get in your way.
3. Do your homework, especially for any major purchase. A higher priced location may actually offer a better deal for you once the discount is applied.
4. Some operations may only offer discounts on certain days or on certain lines of merchandise.
5. Don’t forget to include your local government and utilities. Some offer discounts to seniors or at least will freeze rates.

Some other places to look for information include Discounts by The Rubins, About Senior Discounts, Database of Senior Discounts - for a Fee, and AARP Benefits.

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Choosing a bank to hold and service your money used to be a simpler proposition. Rates were similar, and the major consideration was convenience. Those days are over. The banking industry has consolidated (from 15,084 firms in 1984 to 7,842 in 2003), and fees have emerged as a constant threat to your account balance.

You now have to evaluate the -

• type of bank - commercial, savings and loan, credit union,
• size/style/location - national, regional, community/local, and Internet, and
• products offered - rates, fees, service levels, ATM’s, and on-line facilities.

Since the choice between banks can become quite confusing, it is best to take a step-by-step approach toward your selection(s).
1. Decide how you want to use the bank, e.g. long-term savings, short-term savings, on-line bill paying, convenience checking, etc.
2. Determine your comfort levels for -

• Convenience checking vs. On-line bill paying,
• National scope vs. local relationships for service levels and ATM’s,
• Interest rates vs. schedule of fees.

3. Select two products for comparison, e.g. long-term savings and convenience checking.
4. Use Bankrate to select a few institutions, at both your state and national level, that support each product. Sensibly, your selections should be limited to banks with ratings of four or more stars.
5. Go to the individual web sites of each bank to further investigate the specific details of the product offerings, bank locations, etc.
6. Visit a local bank branch, if possible, to verify the details.
7. Compare the details, select your institution, and open your account.

Using this approach, I made a selection of three banks -
1. A local bank for a convenience checking account that -

• has full access to on-line banking facilities,
• with a compensating balance on deposit, charges utterly no fees for foreign ATM’s, check printing, per item, or monthly service, and
• is small enough to recognize you as a name, not a number.

2. Two national Internet banks for long-term savings that -

• offer multi-layered security access,
• provide much higher interest rates than any local institution, and
  
• support ease of funds transfer and availability.

Other sites with information on this topic include - Guide from Met Life and Choosing a Bank

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The most important thing to remember in learning to cope with the loss of a loved one is that it is not something you “get over”. Instead, it is something you learn to adapt to. The loss always remains. The love doesn’t die. But you slowly learn to adapt to the remoteness of that love. That love always remains part of you. It hurts not to be able to share your thoughts so directly, but they are still shared. The conversation of love keeps going.

After the burial and the good-byes to the dear friends and relatives, the quiet settles in and brings with it layers of grief.

• Emptiness - Death is the most absolute separation we face. When it happens in a family, the emptiness that hits you in the pit of your stomach keeps rebounding through the eyes of other family members. At first, this sharing expands the intensity of the grief. But ultimately, the mutual support helps all members deal with the loss more effectively.
• Guilt I - As your spirit pulls out of that profound feeling of emptiness, memories spark back of both joys and sorrows. For a while, it is difficult not to rue the times when we wished we had done better and been more supportive. We need to process an entire book of memories before we can release ourselves from that guilt.
• Guilt II - This next phase of guilt strikes the first time we are finally able to express a laugh that is truly filled with joy. Grandchildren are usually the cause, but it can be anything. When that moment happens, a sense of guilt that you are there to enjoy it can grip your spirit. Our minds fully realize that life must go on, but our hearts are slower to embrace that reality.

With time, our hearts go through these phases. We get on with the business of living because we must. But our hearts go on loving. That love never dies.

Further thoughts can be found at the AARP on Grief and Loss

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Today’s post is written on automatic pilot. My mind is elsewhere.

Although it is wisest for Seniors to avoid any kind of debt, credit cards have become so pervasive in today’s economy that it is often necessary to use one. Given that reality, seniors should select their cards carefully for maximum benefit.

Like so many products, the right one for you depends upon how you use it. Of all the personal debts we can incur, the credit card is usually the worst, i.e. gives you the least value for your money. Mortgage debt is typically the least expensive, followed by auto loans, then personal loans. Credit card debt, once you are past the introductory teaser rates, can often cost more than twice as much as these other loans. Credit cards provide convenience, but they can charge an arm and a leg for it.

What you want to find is a card with -

• no annual fee,
• low late fees,
• low interest rates on purchases, and
• low interest rates on cash advances.
  

But to enhance their offerings, some card issuers also offer other features that may influence your choice. These features include -
0%/low Introductory rate on transferred balances,

• Low rate for carrying a balance -
• Convenience only, no balance carried -
• Cash rebates
• Travel/Airline miles
• Gas discounts

What’s a person to do?

1. If you are carrying a balance, work on a plan to eliminate it. A 0% introductory rate card may help you achieve that goal, but pick the one with the lowest rate at the end of the introductory period.
2. If you pay off the balance each month as you should, look for those with add-on benefits that most appeal to you and are the most generous. For example, some airline programs offer double and triple miles.
3. Do not be casual about making your payments. Make certain that your payments will arrive on time.

Some other Internet resources with helpful information include -

• Comprehensive credit considerations for Seniors,
• Bankrate’s Cards for Seniors, and
• Credit Card Debt.

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Today is the first day of Lent, a day on which Christians are reminded that we are “dust and unto dust we shall return”.

Ernie, who calls me Bro, needs no such reminders. Yesterday, the defibrillator planted inside his chest discharged seven times. His beloved medical profession can do no more to help him. Blessedly, he is out of the hospital, back at home, and in the devoted care of my sister, their beloved children, and the skilled hospice nurses. It is only a matter of time.

Ernie is one of my heroes, a true giant of a man. He is one of those rare individuals who light up a room by their very presence, engage each one with genuine interest, and make each person feel better about themselves in the process. A skilled Ear, Nose and Throat Physician (or as he would say, “no eyes”), Ernie has used his 81 years to heal, ennoble, and love.

As a healer, he used his skills to cure thousands of people throughout the Philadelphia area. With his engaging people skills, he became president of his hospital and broadened both its skill set and its scope. He constantly worked to raise the bar of his profession, urging his peers on to higher standards.

With his firm belief in their strengths and capabilities, he also challenged his own children to be true to the nobility of their talents. Their many achievements rewarded his belief, and he exploded with enthusiasm and delight at their successes.

As with all of us, Ernie recognizes that the greatest gift he has received is his life and the greatest thing he can do with that life is to commit acts of selfless love. He has not been shy with that love, and has given it freely to my sister, to his family, and even to me.

My Bro has gone before me in this aging process. He struggled through the indignities of Guillain-Barré syndrome to the point where he was not only able to walk again, but learned to adapt his excellent golf swing. A fighter by nature, he has faced aging boldly, staying involved and donating his medical skills to free clinics.

Now he is playing the end game, and I am still learning. I know he is as afraid of the unknown as any of us would be, but I also know that he will face it courageously, peacefully, with style and love. Despite the unknown, I do believe that his love is too intense not to persist.

Thanks for the lead and the lessons, Bro. When it’s my time, I hope I can follow with just a bit of your character, strength, and love.

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The idea behind segmenting household budgets from personal budgets is to put the “exceptions” and loopholes in one obvious place. Personal means just that - every member of the household has their own individual account. All expenditures for that one individual are allocated to the control of that one person. Both the funds, and the responsibility to manage them, are clearly delineated.

Categories of personal expenses could include - doctor, dentist, hair stylist, barber, clothing, restaurants, entertainment, gifts, health club, dues, etc. Start by determining annual amounts, then pro-rate and control them monthly.

Depending upon personality type, the effect of this segmentation will -

• teach discipline to those who are casual with their spending, or
• create freedom for the frugal who feel they have received a gift of a little mad money.

The Wikipedia article on personal budgets provides a helpful overview of this topic.

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Setting up a budget is like picking a diet. Fundamentally, you are going to eat less cash and exercise more restraint. When you go off the diet, you will at least know when and why. If you stick to it, you should get financially trimmer.

Some tips -

1. Keep it simple. If it requires too much effort to maintain a budget, it will not last.
2. In a household, have everyone understand and agree to the process. No household plan will work if certain members consider themselves exempt.
3. Choose a reasonable measurement period. Some people may choose daily, others weekly, and still others monthly. It has to be at least monthly for it to have any real impact.
4. Experiment with record keeping. Some people use envelopes for receipts, others use ledgers. Some switch to credit cards and check, rarely using cash for anything. Others carry a notebook and write everything down. Try a few different approaches to find out which one is the least burdensome for you.
5. Separate required payments from variable. For example, rent or property taxes are predictable and regular. Cell phone bills, on the other hand, can be extremely variable and influenced by your choices. It is these variable expenses that are the primary focus of your budget.
6. Assess your performance regularly. This review should occur at least monthly. The focus should be on any surprises as well as opportunities to save more.

For more, some other sites to visit are -
Family Budget Tips and Tips for Seniors.

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